Journal

My parents have reached an age where they repeat stories so often that I've started to think of them as my own personal NPCs. It doesn't help that they occasionally give me some random task that does nothing to help me level up.

Rant

Damn it. Why is my movie I’m watching illegally online buffering so much? This isn't what I didn’t pay for!

Rant

To be fair, we should have a holiday in November to balance out Valentines Day by making people feel bad about having people who love them.

Oh wait, I forgot about Thanksgiving dinner. Nevermind.

Journal

Have you ever just had one of those moments where you stop and think to yourself, "This is it. This is how I become a super villain."  Mine are starting to come one on top of the next.

I knew I was evil from a very young age.  I was always been very well organized, and really, that's the thing about evil.  It's always got a plan.  It's just that, lately, I feel like things are coming to a head.  I feel like, at any moment, someone's going to push me a hair's breadth too hair and BOOM, there's my super villain gimmick.

Rant

Mama always said, if you can't be a good influence, you just have to be a horrible warning.

The best of my many original (de)Motivation Posters and possibly my all-time favorite platitude.  As far as I'm concerned, you either wake up every morning of your life and work like a dog to meet the world's expectations, or else you get on with the business of unabashedly enjoying your life without shame.  Nothing in between has ever made any sense to me.

Journal

Girls: So... do you have any hobbies?
Me: Mostly, I just make sure that the internet doesn't get lonely.  It's not so much a hobby as a calling.

Rant

Ladies, want to look five years younger?  Nothing makes you look like a broke ass college kid faster than an iPhone with a cracked screen.

Rant

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Journal

My family went to an outdoor wedding last Sunday.  About halfway through, my brother starts complaining about a rash.  My mother had to explain to him that it was a sunburn.

There are many words to describe us, but "outdoorsy" is not one of them.

Rant

A person with fewer than five pictures on Facebook scares me more than a clown holding a bloody axe.  What the hell are they hiding?!!

Rant

If you ever find yourself sitting somewhere bored, just remember that somewhere, somebody is typing up a set of software terms and conditions.

Rant

Remember kids, choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life... mostly because that field isn't hiring.

Journal

My brother, walking into the kitchen while I'm cooking: "What's this an infomercial for?"

Journal

Why yes, Microsoft Surface, M. Night Shyamalan does perfectly sum up my disappointment with your product.  Thank-you for making that link for me.

Stupid Wayward Pines commercials.

Journal

Every since we got Mom hooked on Game of Thrones the new rule is "It's not porn if watches too." Try not to think on it too hard.

Journal

I thought that a relationship should be nurturing, so I suggested we get a pet together.  She thought a relationship should be rooted in trust and wanted us to be more honest with each other.  So we compromised with a trip to the local taxidermist.

Rant

It’s fucked up that Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is a thing now, but what keeps me awake at night is that, somewhere out there, a 12 year old still has two wishes left.

Journal

The dialog audio track on Interstellar was so bad that it was impossible to cam for PirateBay.  Nolan knew what he was doing.  Sly bastard.

Journal

Damn you election day!  I don't wait in line for anything that doesn't involve a very minor phone upgrade.

Rant

There's a very fine line between having your foot out of the covers enough to even out your body temperature and baiting the monsters under your bed. Even at thirty.