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My parents have reached an age where they repeat stories so often that I've started to think of them as my own personal NPCs. It doesn't help that they occasionally give me some random task that does nothing to help me level up.

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At 14, all my mom could talk about was how getting a girl pregnant would ruin my life.  At 34, all my mom can talk about is how never getting a girl pregnant has ruined her life.

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Sure, by my age my grandfather had fought a war, bought a farm, married, and had two kids, but I've got a phone that plays music AND video games.  Who's got time for kids with all that on my plate?

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I want a girl I can take to Ikea, not in some bullshit "500 Days of Summer" way but because she's seriously passionate about Swedish design practices.

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Whenever I pass a person preaching the apocalypse on a street corner, I just wanna stop, hand him a book of Lovecraft and ask "Have you read the Good News?"

Seriously.  Every Revelations preacher is just a goth kid who never blossomed, and it's all I can do not to help them along their way.

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Have you ever just had one of those moments where you stop and think to yourself, "This is it. This is how I become a super villain."  Mine are starting to come one on top of the next.

I knew I was evil from a very young age.  I was always been very well organized, and really, that's the thing about evil.  It's always got a plan.  It's just that, lately, I feel like things are coming to a head.  I feel like, at any moment, someone's going to push me a hair's breadth too hair and BOOM, there's my super villain gimmick.

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Girls: So... do you have any hobbies?
Me: Mostly, I just make sure that the internet doesn't get lonely.  It's not so much a hobby as a calling.

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My family went to an outdoor wedding last Sunday.  About halfway through, my brother starts complaining about a rash.  My mother had to explain to him that it was a sunburn.

There are many words to describe us, but "outdoorsy" is not one of them.

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My brother, walking into the kitchen while I'm cooking: "What's this an infomercial for?"

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Why yes, Microsoft Surface, M. Night Shyamalan does perfectly sum up my disappointment with your product.  Thank-you for making that link for me.

Stupid Wayward Pines commercials.

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Every since we got Mom hooked on Game of Thrones the new rule is "It's not porn if watches too." Try not to think on it too hard.

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Ten weeks into the New Year and the diet's still going strong.  Unfortunately, that diet would best be described as "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."  Better luck 2016!

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I thought that a relationship should be nurturing, so I suggested we get a pet together.  She thought a relationship should be rooted in trust and wanted us to be more honest with each other.  So we compromised with a trip to the local taxidermist.

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The dialog audio track on Interstellar was so bad that it was impossible to cam for PirateBay.  Nolan knew what he was doing.  Sly bastard.

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Damn you election day!  I don't wait in line for anything that doesn't involve a very minor phone upgrade.

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You know how you lower the volume on the radio when you're looking for a street address so that you can see better?

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that was why my girlfriend always turned up her stereo before we had sex in college.

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My parents put their old house on the market today.  I very helpfully rushed over to the website and left a comment assuring browsers that absolutely no murders were ever committed in the house.  My brother did the same.  I fully expect the house will be sold inside the week.

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So, authors Jason Aaron and artist Russell Dauterman broke the news in an interview on The View that Marvel will be releasing a new Thor series in which Thor is a woman. Predictably, not everyone is pleased.

I think that these negative reactions reveal the absurdity of the values of some comic fans.  I mean, the reaction to new versions of superheroes that aren't white men is always disappointing, but it's hard not to laugh when you realize that these fans consider being a woman worse than being an alien horse.

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Last night, I was watching this week's episode of Game of Thrones, "First of His Name," when it hit me all at once. Hodor is a man-shaped Pokémon.

A warg is just George R.R. Martin's version of a Pokémon trainer. Bran is off on a journey away from home collecting creatures in the "tall grass" beyond the wall, fixated on catching the elusive three-eyed crow that no one has ever captured before. He's traveling with two companions, a girl and a guy, and two loyal beasts, Hodor and Summer.

Martin is regurgitating season one of the Pokemon animated series.

Bran's storyline is officially ruined for me f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

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After nearly forty years living in the same house, my parents have decided that they're going to move.  I thought it was a great plan, until I realized that my parents are both secretly hoarders and too old to lug boxes down a flight of stairs.

I'm thirty years old, and for the first time in my life, I'm seriously considering running away from home.  If I could just find a hobo bindle large enough to hold what I eat in a week, I swear, I'd be out the door in a flash.  Unfortunately, I don't think that would end well for me, seeing as how I'd pretty much be a homeless guy dragging a body bag down the side of the road.