Rant

Damn it. Why is my movie I’m watching illegally online buffering so much? This isn't what I didn’t pay for!

Rant

To be fair, we should have a holiday in November to balance out Valentines Day by making people feel bad about having people who love them.

Oh wait, I forgot about Thanksgiving dinner. Nevermind.

Rant

Honestly, at this point, I don't even watch television with any expectation of enjoying it.  I only watch series so that I understand what everybody is talking about online.

Rant

Mama always said, if you can't be a good influence, you just have to be a horrible warning.

The best of my many original (de)Motivation Posters and possibly my all-time favorite platitude.  As far as I'm concerned, you either wake up every morning of your life and work like a dog to meet the world's expectations, or else you get on with the business of unabashedly enjoying your life without shame.  Nothing in between has ever made any sense to me.

Rant

Girls, if a guy wants you to learn how to play a video game, it means you are the most important person in his life... or, he needs a healer.

Rant

Remember the good old days when ms paint was enough to keep you happy for hours?

Rant

If I ever climb up a building and begin shooting people, it will have far more to do with Ray Bradbury's "And the Moon Be Still as Bright" than any video game.

Rant

Nineties Kids make the saddest adults.

Having witnessed the transition from the Industrial Age to the Information Age first-hand, we've become a generation mired in nostalgia for technologies that have been rendered obsolete.
We grew up playing with action figures and board games, only to graduate to Speak-n-Spells, Simon Memory Games, and Nintendos.  We've marveled as huge corded telephones have shrunk down to wafer thin computers carried in our pockets.  We've watched as our television offerings expanded from three fuzzy channels on a day with clear weather to five hundred channels of cinema-quality definition.  And we've reveled in the growing freedom afforded to us by global data networks that have evolved from BBS chat boards into realtime streaming video that carries the world into our home.

As a result of that rapid technological development, we've been left yearning for a childhood that seems to us to have been both simpler and far further in the past than reality.  For most of us "ten years ago" still means 1995, not 2005.  Cursive feels like an old friend, and each book sitting on our shelves is a treasured trophy of a journey through foreign lands to our eyes.

We understand the technologies our parents are still uncomfortable with, but we still remain capable of seeing the technologies our children take for granted as the miracles they are.

Torn between the two generation, we stand apart, the saddest adults.

Rant

Ladies, want to look five years younger?  Nothing makes you look like a broke ass college kid faster than an iPhone with a cracked screen.

Rant

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Rant

I once read a short story about a cineplex of the future that claimed to have a thousand different movies playing on any given day.  The story followed a teenage girl who discovers that, at any given time, a large portion of the movies are fakes, only zany trailers and posters marked "sold out."

I suspect that one day, the real world Hollywood marketing apparatus is going to catch on that a series of two minute trailers released strategically over the course of two years sells just as much merchandise as an actual movie, and it'll won't be until years later that we realize no one we know has ever seen any of the movies that our toys were supposed to be inspired by.

Rant

A person with fewer than five pictures on Facebook scares me more than a clown holding a bloody axe.  What the hell are they hiding?!!

Rant

I've often thought of computer coders as a new type of priesthood.  They speak a language unknown to common man and control our experiences of contemplation.

Rant

No one showers, shampoos, dries, deodorizes and then pulls on sweat pants.  No one.  Once you've  committed hygiene upon yourself, you're gonna take that last step and actually get dressed.  Sweat pants are what you pull on over stank when you're forced out into the world and you don't want to go.  So be polite.  If you see some in sweats, that's a clear social signal to keep your damn distance and advert your eyes.  Cuz no one ever pulled on a pair of sweats to get noticed.  Not ever.

Rant

If you ever find yourself sitting somewhere bored, just remember that somewhere, somebody is typing up a set of software terms and conditions.

Rant

Remember kids, choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life... mostly because that field isn't hiring.

Rant

Being a nerd is so expensive.

Seriously, why is being a nerd is so God damned expensive? I'm pretty sure my grandfather didn't spend himself bankrupt on cowboy merchandise at my age.

Rant

I read the comments again. Began to seethe. Successfully closed browser. When you gaze too long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

Rant

It’s fucked up that Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is a thing now, but what keeps me awake at night is that, somewhere out there, a 12 year old still has two wishes left.

Rant

There's a very fine line between having your foot out of the covers enough to even out your body temperature and baiting the monsters under your bed. Even at thirty.