Friday, September 4, 2015


At 14, all my mom could talk about was how getting a girl pregnant would ruin my life.  At 34, all my mom can talk about is how never getting a girl pregnant has ruined her life.

Friday, August 28, 2015


Sure, by my age my grandfather had fought a war, bought a farm, married, and had two kids, but I've got a phone that plays music AND video games.  Who's got time for kids with all that on my plate?

Friday, August 21, 2015


I want a girl I can take to Ikea, not in some bullshit "500 Days of Summer" way but because she's seriously passionate about Swedish design practices.

Friday, August 14, 2015


Whenever I pass a person preaching the apocalypse on a street corner, I just wanna stop, hand him a book of Lovecraft and ask "Have you read the Good News?"

Seriously.  Every Revelations preacher is just a goth kid who never blossomed, and it's all I can do not to help them along their way.

Friday, August 7, 2015


Have you ever just had one of those moments where you stop and think to yourself, "This is it. This is how I become a super villain."  Mine are starting to come one on top of the next.

I knew I was evil from a very young age.  I was always been very well organized, and really, that's the thing about evil.  It's always got a plan.  It's just that, lately, I feel like things are coming to a head.  I feel like, at any moment, someone's going to push me a hair's breadth too hair and BOOM, there's my super villain gimmick.


Honestly, at this point, I don't even watch television with any expectation of enjoying it.  I only watch series so that I understand what everybody is talking about online.

"Bullshit is everywhere.  (Are the kids still in here?  We'll deal with that later.)

Bullshit is everywhere.  There is very little that you will encounter in life that has not been, in some ways, infused with bullshit.  Not all of it bad!  Your general, day-to-day, organic free-range bullshit is often necessary, or, at the very least, innocuous.  "Oh, what a beautiful baby.  I'm sure it'll grow into that." That kind of bullshit in many ways provides important social-contract fertilizer.  It keeps people from making each other cry all day.  But then there's the more pernicious bullshit.  Your premeditated, institutional bullshit, designed to obscure and distract.  Designed by whom?  The bullshitocracy.