Tuesday, June 9, 2015

77.) If you're adult and you aren't absolutely convinced that you're fucked, something is terribly, terribly wrong with you. It's the Catch-22 of adulthood that the only people who aren't worrying about something are the ones who should be worrying the most - addicts, idiots, and the blissfully ignorant whom life makes into examples for the rest of us.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


Ten weeks into the New Year and the diet's still going strong.  Unfortunately, that diet would best be described as "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."  Better luck 2016!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


I thought that a relationship should be nurturing, so I suggested we get a pet together.  She thought a relationship should be rooted in trust and wanted us to be more honest with each other.  So we compromised with a trip to the local taxidermist.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


There's a very fine line between having your foot out of the covers enough to even out your body temperature and baiting the monsters under your bed. Even at thirty.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


I still answer my phone like I don’t know who's calling just to keeps people of their toes.  Dad?  Dad Who?

Monday, October 13, 2014


“Will you watch my web series?” is the new “Will you pick me up from the airport?”

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


If your email isn't written in a normal font size and color then the answer is no.  Every time.